I have not been on Tumblr in years. My restless mind had me thinking, “wow, remember the days I’d spend as a teenager on Tumblr from sun up to sun down?” Tumblr makes me think of my younger years and those are not years I miss. I do not use Tumblr anymore because it was so commonly used while I was a toxic person. I was not emotionally stable. I was confused and lost and troubled and I coped in all the wrong ways and relied in people to carry me. I had my heart broken over and over again and I can’t say that my ways weren’t a contending factor. I craved attention. I wanted to be put up on a pedastool and looked at like gold. I’d use boys who would listen to me cry at 3 am because I was depressed to fill a void. I’d find equally fucked up people and have toxic, sad and needy relationships.

As much as this post sounds super depressing, I promise it’s not. I’m not sure the point to this post. I know no one will read it and I’m mainly speaking to my own self.

I’m not the thirteen or sixteen year old girl who would sit behind a computer all night and send anonymous messages to people I wanted to care about me anymore. I am not the person who reblogs endless heart-wrenching photos and quotes in hopes someone will reach out to me and offer me support.

I hope some 15 year old happens upon this one day and realizes that there’s so much more in life than High School and drama. I want the 17 year old boy to know that Tumblr isn’t the only place to go to share your real feelings and I want the 16 year old girl to know that the boy who left suddenly will be nothing but a faint memory, maybe even a learning experience, in the future… and that yes, you really will survive. I promise.
When I was young, such little events in my life would make me feel as if my whole world was crashing down and I would make my feelings and mental health even worse by surrounding myself with negativity on this website.

Its probably been about 5 years since I’ve really used Tumblr. It’s 1 am and I haven’t slept in days.
Which is weird for me, because Lyme makes sure I’m in bed, curled up with my dog, snoring, every night by 8:30 pm. I do nothing but sleep. I take days off from work just to sleep. I sleep on the weekends, on the couch, I fall asleep in my car when I’m in a parking lot.

I’m on a new medication, one of many new medications. Lyme has taken my life and flipped it in ways that I didn’t think it could possibly be flipped. A great plus about Lyme is everyone thinks you’re faking your pain or looking for attention because you show no physical pain.
My days hurt and my knees feel as if they aged 60 years. Some days I can barely walk, but it’s nice to find support in the man I share my life with. I bring up my disease not for support but for awareness.
The old me would give up, pout and do nothing but complain.
I am so happy to have grown to what I am today. I am part of a wonderful Lyme awareness community full of people who are just trying to help one another and that truly makes my heart happy and find a bright side (something I would never do) in a unfortunate place.

I’m almost 22 years old and my “hubs” and I bought our first house in March. And how wonderful is this house. I would never believe you if you told 17 year old me that I would have purchased a home at 21 years old.
We live in a newly built single family ranch. It’s as if this house found us. The whole process was so smooth and it was one of the easier things I’ve done in life.
I’ve lived with Brian since I was 18 years old. We are so in tune with each other that it’s almost scary. I thank all my past relationships for showing me that I needed something different. You were stepping stones to my destination. We have been together nearly 5 whole years now.
Brian is a manager at a company that’s very similar to Amazon and I work in the banking industry. We have two beautiful “children” and by children, I totally mean dogs because I don’t think I’d ever be crazy enough to actually have children. And we’re happy. I am so happy. Depression does not even occur to me anymore. I do not want myself off of this Earth. I want more time. I don’t want to get old. I want to live in this house with him for 5,000 years and even that wouldn’t be enough.

I thank you if you read my crazy late night thoughts as I experience the super weird side effects of a Lyme medication I’m on. (Lol.)